“I’m sorry.” The words wafted up to me through the mist of
the steam room. My eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the darkness, but I knew who was
speaking. Apology Girl. That was the nickname I had privately assigned to this
girl in the locker room who feels a need to apologize for occupying space, for
breathing. I’d seen her a few times, conscientiously gathering her belongings
closer to her and trying to will her body to take up less space on the bench.
As toddlers, as soon as we uttered our first words, our
parents began teaching us to say, “Please” and “Thank you” and “I’m sorry.” I
wish we still heard the first two more often, but why do we feel the need to
apologize for existing?
With women in particular, the apology habit is more prevalent
than with men. For some reason we are wired to feel guilt for not being perfect
or for not always exceeding our own expectations.
Before class one night, our acting coach, Kathy McGraw, was leading
a discussion about audition “Dos and Don’ts.” Never say, “I’m sorry,” she said.
Even if you’re a little late, don’t call attention to it. Don’t apologize for
asking for clarification. As an actor, this is your time to be seen. Don’t draw
attention to your insecurities.
Despite the fact that I’d heard this advice many times, I
was mortified to hear myself fall into this habit of self-doubt at an audition
only a few days later. That talk also made me think of the girl in the locker
room and how many times I’ve heard her apologize reflexively for utterly no
reason at all.
I recently found it necessary to cancel a commitment I’d
made on short notice because I was out of town caring for one of my grown
children who has been very ill. I started to say that I was sorry but stopped
myself. I don’t need to apologize for being a mother.
And when my daughter has apologized for uprooting me, I’ve
assured her that she has no reason to apologize. I did, however, appreciate her
“Thank you.”
