I'm Not Sorry

“I’m sorry.” The words wafted up to me through the mist of the steam room. My eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the darkness, but I knew who was speaking. Apology Girl. That was the nickname I had privately assigned to this girl in the locker room who feels a need to apologize for occupying space, for breathing. I’d seen her a few times, conscientiously gathering her belongings closer to her and trying to will her body to take up less space on the bench.

As toddlers, as soon as we uttered our first words, our parents began teaching us to say, “Please” and “Thank you” and “I’m sorry.” I wish we still heard the first two more often, but why do we feel the need to apologize for existing?

With women in particular, the apology habit is more prevalent than with men. For some reason we are wired to feel guilt for not being perfect or for not always exceeding our own expectations.

Before class one night, our acting coach, Kathy McGraw, was leading a discussion about audition “Dos and Don’ts.” Never say, “I’m sorry,” she said. Even if you’re a little late, don’t call attention to it. Don’t apologize for asking for clarification. As an actor, this is your time to be seen. Don’t draw attention to your insecurities.

Despite the fact that I’d heard this advice many times, I was mortified to hear myself fall into this habit of self-doubt at an audition only a few days later. That talk also made me think of the girl in the locker room and how many times I’ve heard her apologize reflexively for utterly no reason at all.

I recently found it necessary to cancel a commitment I’d made on short notice because I was out of town caring for one of my grown children who has been very ill. I started to say that I was sorry but stopped myself. I don’t need to apologize for being a mother.

And when my daughter has apologized for uprooting me, I’ve assured her that she has no reason to apologize. I did, however, appreciate her “Thank you.”